Sameness: lack of variety; uniformity or monotony.
I spent much of my youth in the endless cycle of sameness. I lived in the same ole town, in the same ole house. I saw the same ole things, in the same ole places. I grew up with the same ole people, constantly seeing the same old faces. Contrary to my own preference, throughout the entirety of my early years, sameness defined much of my life. So, by the time I turned 18, I couldn’t wait to explore the world beyond my hometown.
During my senior year of high school, I decided to apply to multiple out-of-state universities.
With my eager desire for newness leading me, I committed to college in the Big Apple. Meaning, after spending most of my life confined to the same ole town, I could finally answer the call to the fresh start desperately screaming my name. When I answered the call, I felt ready to take on the world. Unfortunately, I never thought about how answering that call could lead to loneliness.
From the time I committed to St. John’s University, to the day I received my high school diploma, thoughts of attending college in the Big Apple consumed me. Without trying, I spent countless moments of each day fantasizing about the life that awaited me. I thought of everything from the friends I would make to the countless adventures I could go on. At last, I could finally pack my bags and leave my small hometown in the rearview mirror. Just the thought of it amazed me. Sadly, in the midst of my excitement, I never thought of what else I would leave in my rearview mirror on my road to a new life.
Newness: the quality of being new or original.
With the start of college quickly approaching, I could feel newness on the horizon. To prepare for my new life, I followed every St. John’s related Instagram page, ordered every dorm room décor I could think of and read every college blog I came across. For the first time in years, I actually counted down the days until school started. Instead of actually enjoying summer itself, I used my break to daydream of what awaited me in the fall. Excited seemed like an understatement when describing how I felt about my big move.
On the last night of August 2018, I set my alarm for 7 a.m. When my alarm went off the next morning, I would joyfully jump up from my bed, tightly pack my belongings into my car and set my GPS to 8000 Utopia Pkwy, Queens, NY 11439, my new home. With excitement boiling in my veins, sleeping felt close to impossible. Still, in due time, I drifted into a deep slumber. Finally letting my dreams of college carry me away until my alarm went off the next morning.
On September 1, 2018, at 9 a.m., with my close-knit family and best friend by my side, I walked into my dorm room for the very first time.
Within an hour, we transformed a side of that ordinary dorm room into my new customized home. My brothers carried in my belongings and rearranged my furniture, making sure I didn’t lift a finger. My mother neatly made my bed, making sure it fit the comfortability standard required for her baby girl. My father marched through the residential hall, making sure it fit the safety standard appropriate for his princess. When they finished, my best friend, cheered me on, making sure I felt ready to take on my new life. With all of their actions, each of them wrapped me in their own special version of love. Thus, using the same ole love from my previous life of sameness to welcome in my newly-found life of newness.
Then, they left.
As the doors closed behind my “same ole” loved ones, the doors to my new reality busted wide open. I no longer needed to daydream, prepare or read blogs about the new college life that awaited me. Instead, I could experience that newness I so desperately wanted. At last, it was finally my reality. Yet, it didn’t excite me anymore. In actuality, it kind of scared me.
With the same force that opened the doors to my new college life, the fullness of my big decision suddenly hit me. No longer would my “same ole” loving family be at my side every step of the way. In an instant, this realization sent a core-crushing, devastating chill through my body. In a way I never imagined, unfamiliarity replaced the familiar love I grew to cherish. A sense of loneliness found a home in me.
Then, I stood there, all alone.
