Top 10 Things Upperclassmen Say

Ahh, upperclassmen. The big dogs of college campuses everywhere. The juniors and seniors who seem to know all there is to know, the ins and outs of the life of a university student. What’s it like inside the mind of these seemingly experienced students? Well, as an upperclassman myself, I’d be happy to guide you through the top 10 things we kings and queens of the campus say.

1. “Oh my god, I never want to leave. Why do I have to leave? I’m never leaving. YOU CAN’T MAKE ME LEAVE.”

After the first few weeks of junior year, upperclassmen slowly realize that the home stretch is in sight. And then, after what feels like five minutes, they’re seniors, and they become clingy, implacable messes.

2. What’s said out loud: “Freshmen are wastes of space. I hate them.” What’s said internally: “I WANT TO BE THEM AGAIN.”

Sure, freshmen are the lowest on the totem pole in college, but that just means the only way is up. Upperclassmen pine for the days of their college youth, if only because know the present is oh-so real.

3. “They upped the beer price from $2.00 to $2.25 and it’s F!@%ING RIDICULOUS.”

That quarter addition may seem slight, but with that increase, eight beers equals two extra dollars spent, and, my god, those two dollars could’ve been spent on a whole extra beer.

4. “Oh, you didn’t read _________? You must be an idiot, then.”

It’s a given upperclassmen have the upper (sorry) hand socially, but they also tend to think very highly of themselves in the intellectual department. They’ll make you feel incredibly small for not reading some highfalutin book with one quick wave of their pretentious hand.

5. “I love my major! Now I have to decide what I want to do with it for the rest of my life…” – Allie Sizeland, Senior, Providence College

Upperclassmen love to lament about their true passions being lost on the real world. So, when they wonder how art history or philosophy can translate into oodles of cash, just remind them how difficult the job market is, and watch the sweating commence.

6. “If you don’t take this class with this professor, your life won’t change dramatically like mine did.”

As far as giving advice, upperclassmen tend to channel their own particular experiences when trying to help out the young’uns. They’ve somehow become experts on everyone’s academic pursuits.

7. “If someone held onto my mattress for awhile that would’ve been great….”– Amanda Powell, Class of 2013, University of Maryland

After a few years of living at school, you tend to accumulate a bunch of stuff, and as graduation looms, upperclassmen realize they have no place to put it, since their parents really don’t want a thrice peed on couch in their house or a massive bean bag chair that helped senior girls fight their hangovers.

8. “All I want is the basketball team to make the tournament JUST ONCE while I’m at this school. Is that too much to ask for?”

Upperclassmen constantly pray to NCAA gods for some success for their college’s sports teams, especially when they’re actually attending the school. Seniors look at their last year as the last chance for their teams to actually impress them for once.

9. “I’m going to hook up with SO MANY chicks this year because it’ll be SO EASY.”

For whatever reason, there’s a popular opinion that seniors become a bit more sexually active in their final days in college.  I call it the Apocalypse Complex: when the end is near, upperclassmen just long for all sorts of love.

10. “I’m never gonna have this much fun again for the rest of my life. SO LET’S BE COMPLETELY IRRESPONSIBLE.”

Now, this is the inevitable #YOLO quote. Do upperclassmen actually subscribe to this idea? Thursday through Sunday, maybe. But they keep saying it, even on Monday, and they will until they leave their precious collegiate kingdom.