Marilyn Monroe once said, “I don’t mind living in a man’s world as long as I can be a woman in it.” But Marilyn never pointed out just how hard living in a man’s world is, like when you take all the covers, leaving us freezing or eat food off our plates during dinner. Yes, we actually do want to eat all our sushi rolls. A simple “excuse me” when you burp in the middle of our dinner date would go a long way too. For once we ask that men use more Q-tips and listen to what women have to say. We promise we’ll be easy on you. Pun not intended.
1. When You’re Selfish During Sex
You’ve only been having sex for the past 10 minutes, but of course, instead of thinking of ponies or last night’s Heat game, you flipped her over on her back and well, then it was over. Even though we don’t have blue balls, there’s nothing worse than turning us on just to turn us off. “Most guys never ask their girl what feels good or what their partners wants them to do. [Women] would be glad to give some pointers to guys in bed if they asked,” said a junior at Florida State University. With all the muscles we pull having sex, you might as well finish the job for both of us.
Solution: Don’t just assume porn teaches you everything you need to know. Ask us what pleases us most—we won’t hold back.
2. When You Hide Your Relationship Status
Don’t blame us for assuming you’re single when you sit on a bench with us for two hours and share your deepest secrets. What kind of guy would give any girl attention like that if he didn’t like her? Men, we want to know from the start your relationship status. Don’t wait until the farewells to drop the girlfriend bomb. “I feel bad for the girl because her boyfriend’s a dick,” a junior at the University of Florida said. “I kind of think its hilarious guys lie about this. Isn’t one girl enough?”
Solution: Make your phone’s lock screen a picture of you and your significant other, and check your phone mid-conversation. When we see it, we’ll know the conversation is just that—a conversation.
3. When You Compare Us to Our Friends
Thanks for letting us know you’d totally invite our best friend for a threesome. If we hear you say one more time how hot our roommate is, we might just tell you to go date her instead. If you really want to compliment our friends, say, “Hey, I think your hot friend Karen would really like my hot friend Joseph.” Pro-tip: For every compliment you give our friends, you better give us five more.
Solution: Keep every comment you have about any other girl to yourself, and tell us we have the nicest ass in the world.
4. When You Don’t Give Us Your Full Attention
How can you like an Instagram photo of fitness model Anna Victoria’s ass and open my snapchat 36 minutes ago, but not answer my text? “It’s only a problem that you ignore our texts when you do it on purpose. Purposely waiting a little to text back is annoying,” a junior at Florida International University said. If you have the energy to check ESPN stats, then you have enough time to hit us with an “I miss you, babe.” Sure, go ahead and claim you’re busy—next time you want head, we might be too busy sliding through some local personal trainer’s DM.
Solution: Men, don’t play games—just answer our messages.
5. When You Pull Our Hair
Boys, if you want us to keep visiting your candy shop, get your hands off our head and let us do our work. “There’s nothing worse than when a guy grabs your head and tries to make you give him head a certain way. If I had no gag reflex, I’d be deep throating without you asking, sweetheart,” an FSU junior said. “Please don’t shove my face down there without warning. Either I’ll puke or bite, so choose wisely.” What would you prefer: A+ work or a job half-done because we choked?
Solution: Suggest that your girl go down on you while you stand, that way her hair can’t really get in the way.
6. When You Bring Up Your Ex
Here’s a secret: Even if you hate your ex, every time you bring her up to us, we’re going to think you still love her. Bringing up times when you and Amy watched every episode of Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia or went to Dave and Buster’s every Friday night only makes Jessica feel like she’ll never measure up to Amy, even though Jessica has better tits, preps home cooked meals and maintains a 3.8 GPA. Boys, we don’t care who you dated, just how you feel about us.
Solution: Delete every photo on your phone of your ex, and don’t be sketchy about who you’re snapchatting. Assure her that the last time you spoke to Amy was on October 10, 2014 and that she has a boyfriend (this fact totally relieves the tension).
7. When You Give Us Fashion Advice
When you suggest we join you at the gym, we hear “I think you’re fat.” Yes, it’s cute when you tell us you like us in glasses, but in the back of our heads we still think your comment somehow means we look stupid without them. Whatever you do, never even jokingly tell us that extra Guac we put on our Chipotle will go to our thighs. Not only will we obsess over that comment for a week, but come on, it’s Chipotle Guac.
Solution: Listen to Drake once in a while, and even when we put on a little weight tell us we look prettiest without makeup and wearing sweats.
8. When You Assume We’re Not Sport Savvy
Just because you played in little leagues your whole life doesn’t mean we don’t know who Big Papi is or every year the Heat won a Championship (2006, 2012 and 2013 thank you very much). Just because we don’t play football doesn’t mean we don’t know that the Broncos and Panthers played in last night’s Super Bowl 50. Boys, try us one more time and we’ll crush you at a game of sports-related trivia.
Solution: Invite us over once in a while to watch an NBA game with your buddies and let us play a round of FIFA.
9. When You Make Fun of Us In Front of Your Buddies
“Why are you wearing a tablecloth as a dress? Can we have a picnic on it?” It’s one thing to make fun of us when we’re alone, but another to do it in front of your buddies. Don’t make it okay for your friends to downgrade us, even as a joke. Be the guy who says, “Babe, you look so hot tonight,” in front of your buddies. If you want to be a stand-up comedian, try making fun of your buddies instead. I have a joke for you: knock, knock. Who’s there, you ask? No one, if you keep making jokes.
Solution: Think before you speak. An occasional tease will lighten the mood, but for every joke, say something nice.
10. When You Won’t Express Your Feelings
Once, a guy told me, “I can see myself caring about you.” If you already picture yourself caring about me, doesn’t that mean you already do? Guys, just admit that you’re scared we won’t feel the same way and tell us how you feel. “”Guys as kids are told they need to hold it all in otherwise they aren’t man enough,” a junior at FSU said. “Let the floodgates loose every now and then, bro.”
Solution: Telling us how you feel once in a blue moon gives us the reassurance we need, and reassurance means higher a chance of feeling DTF.
*Names withheld to maintain privacy.
