With your college days coming to an end, you’re walking away from school and into cringe-worthy conversations with family regarding post-grad plans. The fateful graduation day approaches at a scary speed with no caution signs ahead. While you may be one of the envy-worthy few with a job offer or graduate school acceptance letter in hand, many of us soon-t0-be college grads will be left holding a flimsy diploma in one hand and a double shot of tequila in the other.
But worry not; just let all your aunts and uncles know what you’ll really be doing after graduation. After every concerned look, take another shot.
Forget FOMO, be a Hobo
No job, no prob; you don’t need no money for rent without a home. Find yourself a cozy corner on your favorite street and make yourself a sign on the back of that useless diploma using the beautiful handwriting you developed during those 8 a.m. lectures. That public speaking class will come in handy as you shout at every passing pedestrian to give you a dollar.
Skip Europe and Travel Time
Why major in engineering if you can’t build a time machine Doc Brown-style? Grab an engineering classmate and design a contraption that lets you flee from your post-grad stress. Throwback to 2002 when not getting tagged at recess and deciding was what flavor of Otter Pop to pick were your only problems.
Outta Sight, Outta Mind
Go to the moon. If you’re gonna travel, why not really travel? Put those “Oh, so you’re not a STEM major?” snide remarks to rest with a trip to space. Who says you had to be an aerospace engineer to be a rocket scientist? Well, maybe NASA, but Aunt Suzy doesn’t need to know that.
From #FoodPorn to #RealPorn
Word around the block is that you’ve already set up shop and that pornography pays decently well these days. Plus, with our generation’s new social media standards, aren’t nudes pretty much the new selfie? For a respectable life plan your grandmother would approve of, start your own webcam show.
B.A.? Try CIA
Put the badass in your B.A. and become a spy. CIA training lets you be a real-life Spy Kid and saves you from any post-grad small talk. With those classified government missions, those guys and gals are sworn to secrecy. If Uncle Joe has any respect for the good ol’ US of A, he’ll never question your career path or pry for job details at dinner again.
“Do You Wanna Have a Slumber Party in my Basement?”
The ‘rents always complained about never seeing you, so why not move in downstairs? Compared to the college dorms, the basement is a hell of an upgrade. You can finally fulfill your life long dream of starting a band—just gather up some local middle schoolers and start jammin’. Mom never fails to come in clutch with the bagel bites.
Be Homies with Harry Potter
Those graduate school applications may be overdue, but your acceptance letter to Hogwarts just arrived in the mail (10 years late, but it’s chill). Tell your fam that the sorting hat will sort out your post-grad plans. Maybe you’ll even learn a spell to make your student loan debt or those pesky post-graduate questions disappear forever.
Collect Cats
Finding a life partner is hard in this modern dating age, so start your cat lady days early. Pick up stray animals around the neighborhood and offer them a place to stay forever. Starting a shelter means you can work from home surrounded by all of your (furry) friends 24/7. See, you have a job and a house full of companions who won’t talk back. What could be more purr-fect?
Don’t Leave Campus
Fail your last semester, or send your diploma to the wrong address. Just because you no longer paying tuition anymore doesn’t mean you can’t go to class. That damn degree should open up doors for you, not lock you out of lecture halls. You’ve been in school for over 18 years, why back out now?
Who the F—k Knows?
Once you walk across that stage, you actually have to start adulting. But that doesn’t mean your entire life must be planned out right away. Maybe you’ll travel; maybe you’ll become a barista; maybe you’ll land your dream job in the city. Whatever it is, you’ll figure it out—even if it’s not the day or week after graduation.
