Delta, Beta, Alpha, Gamma and Omega. In these animal houses, frat stars are born and bred to suckle on the teat of a Natty Light can and fist bump their hearts out to this brand new song “Levels” by Avicii. They walk with a beam of light over their chiseled frames as mystified girls hold their official beer pong balls so Big Dog and Medium-Sized-But-Relatively-Large Dog don’t develop early-onset tennis elbow before their big matchup later that night.
But what if you somehow go to a school without frats? Do you seek a paddle imprint on your butt and a hazing experience you can tell your son about the first time he comes home drunk? What do you do when frat row only exists in your dreams?
1. Never do a keg stand without girls watching
“I only date top-notch frat stars. If they can’t do push ups while doing keg stands, then no deal.” – Alex, Sophomore, Boston College
2. Keep your BP game on point
“Beer pong skills are way more impressive than chugging skills. BP requires actual athletic finesse.” – Alex, sophomore, Boston College
3. Be ready to drink at all times
“I was in the library and opened my backpack to find a bottle of Jack that I forgot was in there. I mean, I couldn’t not drink it.” – Trevor, Junior, Hamilton College
4. Make Gains #Nodaysoff
“Protein powder in my beer equals massive gains.” – Gabriel, Sophomore, Boston College
5. Focus 95 percent of workouts on the bench press
“A true frat star could bench me. If you don’t bench me, you don’t have a shot with me.” – Alex, Junior, Boston College
6. Always have a “Reagan Bush ‘84” tank on hand
“I went out in my ‘Reagan Bush’ tank while I was at the Midd one night. I was getting a lot of hate for it. I didn’t care. I looked fresh.” – John, Sophomore, Duke University
7. Take your Hawaiian shirt collection seriously
“The ladies love the Hawaiian shirt. What’s better than having tons of beers with a guy in a Hawaiian shirt? Nothing. Outrageous fun.” – Robert, Sophomore, Olin College
8. Never do homework, Ever
“I asked this kid Joe before class if he did our Spanish homework. He responded, ‘Dude of course I didn’t do my homework. Last night was Thursday! I was at the bars all night, dude.’ He’s a frat star.” – Emmet, Sophomore, Boston College
9. Try your best to stay away from class altogether
“My roommate junior year just decided not to go to class for three straight weeks. He literally barely left his room for over 20 days. I couldn’t believe it.” – Andrew, Senior, Duke University
10. Play lacro—I mean lax
“Hey want to sling a biscuit with some twigs? Maybe we could cast some spells with our wands?” – Andrew, Senior, Duke University.
The frat star life is the only life worth living during college. If you follow these tips, I guarantee you will be the single coolest, girl-catching and champion-chugging frat star on campus. No longer will you bow down to Bluto Blutarsky. Instead, he will impart his famous sweatshirt with “college” on it upon you. Wear it with honor, my brother.
