In honor of our condom balloon contest, in partnership with LifeStyles Condoms, I thought it would be appropriate that I cover a bit of sexual responsibility. As a sexually active male, the importance of always carrying a condom cannot be undervalued. But whether you’re toting one or many around, there are a few rules you should abide by.
1. Make sure you rotate the condom in your wallet
Like produce, pizza and milk (The three basic food groups), everything has a shelf life and condoms are no different. After a while they dry up and are only useful if they’re melted down and used to make tires or Frisbees. Everyone goes on a dry streak… a long, lonely, depressing dry streak… it’s a cruel world out there. So when you get your groove back and you’re about to throw down the gauntlet, you want properly functioning tools to complete the job. Not a crusty old sock.
Also, even if you’re getting action on the regular, you have to be mindful of the wear and tear a condom can take in your wallet. I went to a sex talk back during freshman year and the doctor who was speaking said it’s not always the best idea to carry a condom in your wallet. He suggested opting for a condom wallet instead to avoid the condom being compromised. I break mine out every now and again and it’s actually pretty handy.
2. Don’t take a condom out in public
You’ve been in that situation where you’re digging through the depths of your wallet at a cash register, trying to move swiftly so you don’t hold up the line. You finally scrounge up what ever it is that you were looking for and much to your misfortune, your condom falls out. You watch it in slow motion as it goes to the ground, your face full of terror. In reality it’s not a big deal. You pick it up and keep going about your business. But really you dread the potential of this happening, because one day someone near by is going to see the condom and say, “WHOA THERE BUDDY! WAY TO BRAG MR. LOVE MACHINE! LOOK OUT FOLKS WE’VE GOT A SWINGING DICK OVER HERE!” You should probably use some double-sided tape to keep that thing locked up.
3. Ladies, you need to be strapped too
If you’re sexually active, it’s your responsibility to be having sex safely. That goes for guys and girls. Ladies let’s face it, sometimes guys can be boned-headed, irresponsible and, yes, even incompetent. I’m willing to admit our shortcomings and you’re probably more likely to perpetuate them, so let’s settle on some middle ground: Sometimes we mess shit up, but hey, that’s life.
This applies to everything including condom carrying. An all too common scenario is getting locked into some foreplay, it’s time to ratchet things up and the girl will ask the guy, “Do you have a condom?” He’ll fumble around and realize, OH NO! THE CUPBOARD IS BARE! Game over. His cock is sad and your vagina feels jilted. I’ve been in this situation several times and I’ve always wondered, why don’t more girls have condoms at the ready? Instead of cutting a perfectly good evening short due to some poor planning, you’d be forever known as a clutch player by pulling open your nightstand drawer and showing you’re not letting this night die.
4. Have condoms in multiple locations, so you’re always ready
I’d imagine if I were a spy or a C.I.A. agent involved in shady international affairs, I’d be packing heat at all times. I’d keep some sort of semi-automatic handgun holstered to my body, a shot gun or a rifle in my car, a small pistol in my backpack and then around my house, I’d have a hidden arsenal of guns. Inside of my cabinets, under floor boards, in ceiling tiles and I’d certainly have inside a secret vault inside of my closet. No filthy Commie would catch me sleeping.
This same kind of mindset should apply to condoms. This minimizes your chances of ever being caught without one and also maximizes your chances of banging in a variety of places. Lent your last wallet condom out a buddy a few nights ago and you’re already en route to rendezvous with a young lady? Your stash in your car has you covered. Get a text in the middle of class from a girl who’s trying to sneak in a little afternoon delight? Good thing you’ve stocked your backpack. The ultimate tragedy is running out when you’re in your own bedroom. Avoid that by creating your own condom arsenal at home so you’re always ready.
If you’re caught without one, the communists win.
