Ladies, Stop Doing This on Facebook or You'll Never Get Laid ⋆ College Magazine

Yesterday we posted a list of what guys shouldn’t do on Facebook if they have any expectation of getting laid. You can use Facebook to your advantage to stoke a potential flame, but often times guys use it for some creepy shit. Conversely, girls do some really off putting things on Facebook too. Here are a few.

Disclaimer: Guys are easy to please and are often blinded by vagina, so all of these things could probably get you laid. Just probably by a creeper and not an upstanding gentleman.

Duck face a.k.a. the kissy face

When girls get their pictures taken, they normally pose depending on what the situation calls for and top it off with the tried and true teeth-baring smile. Though, every once and a while, they’ll pull a wild card move. All of the sudden, right as the picture is snapping, they fly off the handle and BOOM! We have the duck face. I can’t even begin to think as to what overcomes them. Maybe they black out for a second? I don’t think we’ll ever know. In their mind, they probably think they look cute, as if they’re blowing kisses to all of their adoring fans. News flash: You have no adoring fans, moron. Only a certain breed of girl does this. You could probably scroll down your Facebook friends and pick out the perpetrators. They’re disgusting individuals. Ladies, we know who you are and we won’t stand for this nonsense.

Pictures of drunken urination

Every I time I come across one of these unsuspectingly on Facebook, I feel like raking sandpaper across my eyes just to ease the pain. Guys, you’ve been there. You’re innocently scrolling through the latest album of drunken debauchery from the weekend prior, reliving all the highlights. Nothing seems awry. Then, like a shark silently slicing through the water on a fine summer’s day, you’ve been attacked. You don’t even know what’s hit you and the shark rips off your leg before you can escape. You stagger out of the water and look down at your stump and then at the water. There’s blood everywhere. You’ll never forget this scene of pure horror. This is what stumbling across one of these pictures is like. Think about that, ladies. The next time you consider putting up a picture of you and your clown friends popping a squat, ask yourself, am I pro-shark attack?

The tell-all Facebook status

“Ugh today was totes the worst. I went to the gym and in the middle of my workout, I realized that I had a gyno appt! So I rushed over, I was all sweaty in the stirrups. Sorry doc lol! Then I had a text from my ex. You cheated on me with that cow. You’re the love of my life. But my friends say you’re a cocksucker. I’m still crying over how you broke my heart and now I’m picking up the pieces… Whatever. I was feeling down so I went home and plunged face first into some left over cake. Sweets heal the heart ;)…”

I could go on, but you get the picture. Pardon me while I vomit.

Why do you insist on transforming Facebook into a disgusting LiveJournal? Posting something like that is guaranteed to make boners run far, far away. And why do you feel the need to give us a play-by-play on your day? Normally guys (And most people in general) don’t give a shit about the minutia of your day. Do you think details on your excursion to the grocery store where you couldn’t decide what low-fat yogurt to buy is going to turn guys on? Or chronicling your unravelling relationship and the back and forth dagger tossing between you and you ex-boyfriend, you think that’s going to have boys kicking down your door? I disagree. (While I don’t think it’ll help your sex cause, please don’t stop doing this, as it provides endless entertainment for us sane people out there.) Let’s try and keep it short and a little bit less intrusive. I feel like I’m constantly being given a window into your life that I’d really rather not peer into.