While students starve, College Presidents dine with golden forks and cashmere napkins, but at least our universities are offering us help finding fake jobs. Oh and guess what? Ugly students suck at school, but don’t worry; college has our backs again with free sex changes… Man, after reading this week’s news you might need to head over to Queens College to pet some puppies.
1. Colleges are creating fake jobs to lure in students (and their tuition money).
Everest College, with its highly touted job-placement post-graduation program, has recently been ousted by former students for being a sham. Apparently, in an effort to boost its official job placement records, Everest has been paying contractors to hire recent graduates and keep them on for at least 30 days, after which time the college refuses to help its graduates find other work. And the problem extends far beyond one college campus with a knack for fraud. Everest’s parent company, Corinthian Colleges Inc., is under fire for padding its job placement rates in an effort to tap into federal student aid money. James Proby, former director of Career Services at Everest, said, “I was directly told, ‘You need to find a company that is willing to take on your students for a short period of time, and who cares if they stay?’” Well, that’s just peachy, ain’t it? And while colleges are thinking of new ways to cheat students out of their money…
2. More and more College Presidents are earning over a million dollars a year.
Great, just great. While students are going into an average of $30,000 in debt, university presidents are pulling away an easy million bucks a year. At the same time universities are slashing the number of classes available for students, financial aid options (including work study), and research funding. Students are drowning in debt and even university departments are struggling to balance their books, but it’s good to know that our college presidents are still making enough money to own vacation homes in several countries. Here’s an idea, how about instead of paying them a million dollars plus a year, we decrease tuition and alleviate student debt? Here’s some fun math: $1,000,000/$30,000.
3. To alleviate all that student stress, Queens College brought in the big dogs…
Er… I should say… the adorable puppies. Queens College in New York created a Puppy Room in their library this month, to help ease the end of semester finals angst going around faster that the flu. Because students can’t have pets in their dorms, the puppy room allows stressed out students to play with some cute little furballs to remember that there are still good things in life (which is pretty hard to do during finals’ week). According to the president of the Queen College Student Association, “this is a huge success.” Maybe in the future more universities will take a leaf out of this dog-eared book and bring on the puppies. That is, if paying their President doesn’t suck them dry first…
4. If you’re still unhappy, some universities are about to offer free sex changes.
The University of Maryland might be about to become the first university in Maryland to cover sex change surgeries in their student health plans. The university hopes to stop “excluding certain gender identity from health care” and is looking forward to ending discrimination in student health insurance. The University Health Center has submitted three proposals to insurance companies, each including coverage of up to $100,000 for any kind of sex-change procedure. This would include genital surgery, hysterectomies, breast augmentation, hormone therapy, and mastectomies. If one of the plans is approved The University of Maryland would join 50 other schools nationwide to have expanded health coverage to include sexual reassignment surgeries. This is good because it turns out…
5. The more attractive you are, the better you do in college.
No duh, right? A recent study, “Physical Attractiveness and the Accumulation of Social and Human Capital in Adolescence and Young Adulthood: Assets and Distraction” (it’s a mouthful), found that more attractive students, both male and female, excelled more in college than average or below-average looking students. The study claims that the correlation lies in the fact that more attractive students had more friends, support, confidence, and connections, which led to them going further in college and after. Though we probably didn’t need a 9,000 person study to tell us that confidence and good looks can get you far in life, it’s good to have that confirmed for us, isn’t it?
