Congratulations, you’ve got your ticket to a special one-night-only show. No it’s not a concert, or a screening of the latest hipster film out at the local dive movie theater. It’s a one-night stand born out of the expert combination of poor lighting, a few too many dollar-cocktails and a playlist of Top 20 pop hits. Here are a few of the thoughts that come to mind when that initial high wears off and you realize that once was definitely enough.
1. “Where the hell am I? Oh, right…”
2. “Yep, at least half of my clothing is tucked between the limbs of the strange man I shared a twin bed with last night.”
3. “Alright, my bra strap is literally wrapped around his arm. Time to pull out those bomb-diffusing tricks I learned from binge-watching MacGyver on Netflix.”
4. “How is he not awake right now? These pre-Cold War bed springs are loud enough to rouse Stalin himself from the grave.”
5. “Isn’t there supposed to be an afterglow? All I see is the harsh morning light, and it’s not doing this guy any favors.”
6. “Help! My phone is on its last dying breaths – I must promptly abort this mission.”
7. “Should I leave a thank you note, or my number? Maybe just a Facebook friend request… That way he can see my picture, and I don’t have to attempt to find a pen in this dump.”
8. “Well, I’ve just sealed my position in the fiery pits of hell for skipping out like this. He is probably a very nice man with a very nice family, and I just ditched him like a pair of white capris after Labor Day.”
9. “Don’t look back, don’t look back. Okay, look back once. Nope, still not as cute as I remember. My conscience is clear.”
10. “So this is what campus looks like before 8 a.m.? I would have never known. I think tomorrow is the day I start changing my ways. First order of business is to take a brisk walk.”
11. “Don’t you judge me, morning joggers. If you’re sober enough to run at this hour, your life is clearly not as exciting as mine. I’m never getting up this early again.”
12. “Everyone knows what I’m up to right now. If the look of shame in my eyes isn’t a dead giveaway, then the amount of Forever 21 I’m rocking before sunset definitely is.”
13. “I should have just taken one for the team and stuck around long enough to see if I could squeeze a free breakfast out of him.”
14. “Gosh, I’m starving. Is the dining hall even open right now? I shouldn’t even have to wonder about these things. I’m like some kind of peasant. Yet another reason to keep sleeping in.”
15. “I just want a shower, my bed and a steaming plate of chocolate chip pancakes, in that order. No actually, all at once. I want it all at once. I deserve it for surviving this harrowing journey.”
16. “What if he is one of those gentlemen that takes ladies off campus for date night? I could use one of those, and I’m sure his looks would grow on me if he did. ”
17. “Who am I kidding? He didn’t get any of my jokes and his room smelled like hamsters. I’m allowed to have some standards.”
18. “My self-confidence is at peak. I don’t care if I look and smell like a discarded mannequin left out in a dumpster overnight, I feel fierce.”
19. “I think that I can do this whole casual hook-up thing. I need to start making plans for tonight.”
20. “Never mind, I can’t risk seeing that guy again. Should I transfer?”
