We all love our college friends, but sometimes us introverts need a break. Halfway through the semester, the good ol’ “I have homework due” and “I’m so tired” excuses may not fly on the court anymore. What’s a homebody to do? When Karen’s famous “*cough* I’m sick” Mean Girls classic gets too predictable, here are some ballsy excuses to keep your Netflix binge rolling.
1. Celebrate Your Cat’s Birthday
Not all holidays are national news. Solve any going out worries with the Two Step Program. Step 1: Get a cat. Step 2: Give her a birthday. Better yet, make every day her special day. And because your cat doesn’t have a Facebook (brb, gotta go delete Mr. Whisker’s account), there’s no way for your friends to call your BS. Settle in for the night with your feline accomplice and laugh at all the humans having fun.
2. Adopt an Impossible Guinness Dream
Check out The Guinness Book of World Records from your campus library and pick out an impossibly challenging world record to beat. Declare your mission to all your friends and devote all free hours of your day to your craft. Who knows—by the end of the semester, you may actually earn the global title for Professional Netflix Binger.
3. Fake Your Own Death
Although no one reads the newspaper obituaries these days, have a trusted confidant write a sappy post on your Facebook wall. As Albert Einstein famously said, “Everything on the Internet is true.” Once your friend gets the ball rolling, the tears will be flowing (Warning: Use with caution—may result in angry phone calls from Mom the morning after).
4. Leave the Country
Grab your passport and GTFO. Not the outcome your homebody self intended? Good news: with the luxury of social media and modern technology, you don’t even have to leave your couch to leave the country anymore. Go on Tumblr, search artsy photos of Europe and watch the flood of jealous Instagram likes and comments blow up your phone. Turn down IRL party invites with social media turn up.
5. Do a *~Cleanse~*
Embrace your inner yogi and get clean. Go to yoga practice, change your breathing patterns and adopt a life chant about inner peace free from modern technology. Once you change your number and delete social media accounts—poof! All those pesky texts and event invites suddenly vanish. Go clean, live off the grid and bring on more nights in.
6. Develop an Alcohol Allergy
Get a doctor’s note that brings prohibition to the 21st century. With symptoms of terrible dance moves and awkward social skills, who’s to question your super-serious medical condition? It’s bad for your health. And possibly contagious.
7. Get Rid of All Your Clothes
Keep a pair of yoga pants and some boxy t-shirts and donate the rest. When friends come by with fancy party plans, let your pants do the talking. You can’t go out when you have nothing to wear (seriously).
8. Join a Cult
Skip the alcohol and drink the Kool-Aid. Grab that sign-up sheet and let your cult leader make all of your decisions for you. It’s like having your very own bodyguard protect your social calendar.
9. Start a Band
With your album dropping next semester, your pop-punk indie group requires all of your energy these days. Tour schedules are unpredictable and always getting in the way of Friday-night plans. Bonus points: make a terrible mix tape for your friends and invite them to come see your gig. Soon they’ll be the ones looking for this list.
10. Transfer Schools
No new friends! Literally. If you leave school, all those annoying knocks on your door will fade away. No one will know you or force you to go out at your new university. May lead to a sad social life, but hey, at least there’s Netflix.
