Stable relationships are awesome in the real world, but they don’t make for good TV. Who wants to watch two people who love each other for who they are and have perfect lives? Boring. The best television relationships are the ones where at least one person is downright awful. I’m talking backstabbing, cheating, Don Draper levels of awful (of course he’ll be on here…he’s Don Draper). CM dedicates this list to the worst boyfriends/husbands and girlfriends/wives currently on the small screen:
*Massive spoilers follow. Also: this list contains no reality TV stars. You’re welcome.*
Worst Girlfriends/Wives
1.) Quinn Fabray (Glee)
There’s a reason Quinn was single when she went off to Yale. It starts with f*cking her boyfriend’s best friend while drunk at a party one night while also serving as head of McKinley High’s celibacy club. Even worse: she got knocked up by Noah Puckerman and told Finn he was the father until the truth eventually came out. And let’s not forget Quinn keeping Finn and Rachel apart in season two until their eventual reconciliation. Her character has softened a bit in recent seasons, but it’s hard to forget those early transgressions.
2.) Lori Grimes (The Walking Dead)
The zombie apocalypse hits. Lori’s husband, Rick, is comatose in a hospital bed. Rick’s best friend, Shane, helps her and her son survive and takes care of her. Of course they would form a bond, both emotionally and physically. Then Rick finds her. Lori dumps Shane. She finds out she’s pregnant and has no idea whose baby it is. Lori convinces Rick to kill Shane and, when he does, recoils in horror from him. Point being: Lori was the worst. Seeing her die during childbirth was appropriately sad, but it still didn’t change the way I (and the Internet) felt about her character.
3.) Hannah Horvath (Girls)
God this was frustrating to watch play out. Hannah and Adam were doing their thing for a while before she got him to commit to her. It was everything she claimed she wanted. Then, out of the blue, right when it looked like Adam was ready to move in with her, she freaks out on him and decides to live with her gay ex instead. So basically, she got what she wanted, then had a panic attack and decided things were moving too fast. Luckily, Adam wised up and broke up with her before she could stomp on his heart even more.
4.) Jessica Hamby (True Blood)
This hurts because, other than breaking up a pair of best friends, Jessica is one of the coolest characters on the show. Her sweet romance with Hoyt was one of the highlights of a gore and sex-heavy show. Then she and Hoyt broke up. That was totally understandable at the time. It was a little harder to justify her beginning to hook up with Jason Stackhouse, aka Hoyt’s bff. There was some mumbo jumbo about Jason drinking her blood and vice versa, but at the end of the day Jessica is in the same friendship-destroying category as Quinn and Lori.
5.) Marnie Michaels (Girls)
Lena Dunham has a thing for writing about girls with strange dating habits (don’t get me started on Jessa). But Marnie’s situation was particularly maddening. As a guy, I don’t like the idea that a boyfriend can be too caring. I suppose you can get bored in a relationship, but the way she treated poor Charlie was just plain mean. Having to find out your girlfriend is bored with you from her best friend’s diary isn’t exactly the best way to end a relationship.
Worst Boyfriends/Husbands
1.) Don Draper (Mad Men)
Was there ever a doubt? Don Draper is a legendary television character, so much so that calling him by anything but his full name would be disrespectful. But he’s also one of the worst husbands in television history. He cheated on his wife, Betty, with a number of different mistresses, is pretty much an alcoholic and is more in love with his job than he ever will be with a woman. Let's not forget about his classic 60s misogyny. Sounds like a keeper to me.
2.) Howard Wolowitz/Sheldon Coooper (The Big Bang Theory)
How either of these two genius idiots have women in their lives is beyond me. Why does Bernadette put up with Howard, a man-child who won’t move out of his mother’s house and once tried to masturbate with a robotic hand? And why does Amy put up with Sheldon, a borderline autistic man-child who seemingly goes out of his way to be rude and wouldn’t know what to do with a vagina if it was presented to him? Only on TV.
3.) Mr. Gold (Once Upon A Time)
This is a complicated one. So, in the fairytale world, Gold is Rumplestiltskin (aka “The Dark One”). He kidnaps Belle, and they subsequently fall in love. Back in Storybrooke, Mr. Gold is trying to be less evil and even promises Belle he will give up using magic for her. That lasted for about five seconds. It doesn’t get much worse than being a manipulative, lying, murderous monster (literally at times). Sure, he genuinely cared for Belle, but I don’t blame her for being afraid of him.
4.) Schmidt (New Girl)
For the record, Schmidt is probably my favorite character ever invented. But he’s an absolutely horrible boyfriend. It took forever for him to finally get serious with CeCe, but it only took one momentary freak out to end it. He has spent this entire season trying to win her back in increasingly ridiculous ways. It’s hilarious, but proof that, though Schmidt is a nice guy underneath all the douchiness, he just isn’t boyfriend material.
5.) Mike Ross (Suits)
He just couldn’t catch a break. He and Rachel have been doing the dance for two seasons now and, every time it looks like they’re about to get together for real, Mike does something stupid and ruins everything. The fact he harbored feelings for her while dating Jenny certainly doesn’t help his case here. Neither does sleeping with a childhood friend right when Rachel was ready to give them a shot. And during all this, he still hasn’t told Rachel his big secret (you know, the one about practicing law without ever going to law school). For a ridiculously smart guy, the name Mike Ross will never be synonymous with “good boyfriend.”
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